Be Careful What You Ask For...

I am in such emotional distress at this very moment. I have wanted some things so very badly and now it seems that some of them may be obtainable, but at a very high cost. I find that we never know the way life is going to happen. We often times have a mental pic of how things will be. These ideals are shaped and molded as a child and develop into our goals. When it doesn't go according to plan we tend to have several discomforts. I am learning that I have to just roll with life and make the best out of every situation. Decisions, mistakes, and experiences help to take us to the ultimate purpose and destiny that we strive to achieve.

Letting Go

Today was pretty rough for me. I went to work and had to say goodbye to someone who had become far more than a coworker. I am realizing now more than ever that people have various functions in our lives. They come through and make their deposit whether it is good or bad and we have to receive it and grow from it. Life is all about growth and I am experiencing growing pains for sure. I understand that certain people have seasonal roles. I understand that what was good for you at one point can also at the next point be toxic for you. I just want to know what do you do to ease the pain when you want to hold on and keep the ones that are good, but have to be given back? Enough rambling for now...

Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day and yes, again I found my self surfing the cyber waves of Facebook. I started to notice how many women are truly scorned. Father's Day turned into a bash fest for all of the dad's that were not in the adults lives as well as the ones who were left as single mothers of their children. I happen to be a single mother of three and my father passed away a few years ago. Now I have to say that at the start of the day I too had drunk a sip of the bitter cup. However, I quickly dismissed the thoughts that I had. My father left when I was 5 yrs old. He left my mother and I to make it on our own. My mother's profession was teaching. She also worked a second job as a GED teacher for the community college and ran her own catering business on the side. How she did it still amazes me to this day. I am sure she had her share of heartache and pain that I will never know. My dad didn't pay child support so our sole income was received by the sweat of her brow. My dad decided to pop back into my life by phone briefly when I was 19. Can you imagine that phone call. That didn't last long and he dropped off the scene yet again. The years passed and I did give him a courtesy call in 1999 when my mother passed away to let him know that she was now gone. He cried and talked about how we needed to stick together but his efforts ended when the call did. My father then popped up again a few years later stating that he wanted to come from Hawaii, his home, to NC, my home, to live. I didn't know what to make of this but none the less a glimmer of hope came when I thought we maybe able to work at our relationship, especially with my best friend, my mom, being deceased. To my surprise I was able to identify him right off when I saw him at the airport. I looked this stranger in the eye and embraced him, my hope clinging to him stronger than my arms. Then it happens. I find out that the man came all the way from Hawaii to NC just to be taken care of. He was literally crazy. He saw demons, talked of witches, saw body parts, totally unstable. To add to that, he was deathly ill. Needless to say, he was in no condition to rekindle any type of relationship. At that point, he could barely live. I often wonder if I have ever dealt with that because I can't remember the day he died. I have no idea. If I think really hard I can recount the month and year, but I have to calculate it based on other things in my life. To some this may be sad, or a poor reflection of myself, but I have to be candid. I choose not to be bitter about what has happened between my father and I. There is no use. There is nothing that can be done about it besides learning the lessons and growing from the experience. I also have three children and thought I was doing it the right way to have them all fathered by my then husband. Never in a million years did I believe I would be a "baby mama". It wasn't supposed to go this way, but it has. Therefore, I pick up the pieces and put the blame game back in the closet and deal with the decisions that I have made that drove me to this point, thank you Chris Gardner. I am victorious no matter what path my life takes because I have overcome and I am an over comer! We all suffer set backs and things happen that we are not happy about, but resilience is the key.

Cherish the Moments

It seems now more than ever that people are slipping away from this world. There are so many stories that plaster our newspapers and tv screens daily about tragic deaths and unfortunate accidents. There is no way of knowing who is promised tomorrow and because of this we should take special care about loving everyone we meet. I am a facebook junky, yes, I must admit. One day I thought about a guy that I grew up with. We lived side by side, but because of my mother's choice, we did not go to the same school. However, I used to watch him wash his car and watch him come and go. Occasionally, his sister and I would play and talk to others in the neighborhood. As time passed we all grew up and I saw the graduation celebration and even the young lady who eventually birthed his daughter. Time passed and life moved on and his parents 'moved on up' to better housing. I went off to school and eventually came back to that house for a while. As I laid on my bed the other day, I wondered, where is he? He was always very good eye candy to say the least. So I jumped on my old faithful, facebook, and commenced to tracking him down. As I began to search I found a high school memorial page and his name on the list. This couldn't be, I thought to myself. On one of the comments there was a young lady I knew that said this was her cousin. I inboxed her a message and she told me that it was unfortunately, my next door neighbor from years past. Wow, I was devastated. Not only had he passed away at such a young age, but he did through the hands of violence. He was murdered in another state and the killers have yet to be found and it has almost been a year. I sat there after handling my grief and thought about how so many persons I know have left this life. Then I began to think about those whom I care about who are still here. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. We never know when we will wake up for the last day. That is why we have to live life to the utmost. We have to savor every moment taking not one smile, laugh, or I love you for granted. We must live and love with all our hearts so that when our loved ones are gone, there will be no regrets. Live, laugh, love....

Relax, Relate, Release...

Relax - I never realized the true benefits of relaxing until recently. I went to the beach all by myself. I felt as if I was going on a mission and the mission was to unwind and regain my sanity from the insanely busy lifestyle I live. Locale, Virginia Beach! I arrived at the beach fully prepared. I went through my mental checklist, beach chair, check, umbrella, check, lunch box, check, sunscreen, check, beach read, check, notepad and pen, check, no kids, super check! I fed the meter and took off toward Mr. Neptune. When I got on the sand I noticed that there were miles of shoreline, but the shoreline was packed with human bodies. I scanned the area for a spot that I could settle in. I took off my clothes that covered my bathing suit. I sprayed on my sunscreen, sat back, exhaled and embraced my view. Oh it was so beautiful. This was living. Somehow I managed to jump into a land where problems no longer existed. I didn't have to think about what I was cooking for dinner, when was this bill due, what am I going to do with the children, etc. It was just me and the ocean. Despite the fact that it was Memorial day weekend, I was the only person inhabiting this space.

Relate - After the "ahhhhhhhh" factor I began to analyze, as I so often do, my surroundings. I looked around and saw mothers playing with toddlers, family units burying themselves in the scorching sand, young teens laughing and giggling as the ocean waves slapped them in their faces. I began to see that there was a common thread between all of us. We all had different faces, body types, skin colors, hairstyles, socioeconomic statuses, but we all just wanted to have fun and relax. We all came to become one with this beautiful body of water that seemed to personify and speak to our very souls. It brought back the point that at the end of the day we are all human and at the core of everything, we all just want the same thing, the implanted "American Dream".

Release - Coming to the end of my brief trip to my personal oasis I began to realize that things were going to be ok. I realized that no matter what I was currently going through, somehow, things would work out. I was able to release all of my stress and focus on the important things of life. I wasn't boggled down with my home environment or the problems that awaited my return. I was at peace.

When I returned home I was a much happier mom. My coworkers could not understand my radiant glow nor my overly hyper personality. I was revved up and raring to go! Who knows if it was the warmth of the sun on my face, the wind that kissed my cheeks ever so slightly, or the water that cooled me down and spoke to me all at once. Who cares? The point is that vacations have a definite positive psychological affect. I understand now why people actually invest in this; for investing in vacation is liken to insured security of sanity. Everyone needs one at some point and it should be a regular event. Of course it takes money, but plans can be modified so that you capture the essence of why you went in the first place...to relax, relate, and release! Happy Travels!

L-O-V-E.......Hmmmmm?

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' This is a famous quote by Alfred Lord Tennyson. I have been pondering this quote for quite a bit of the day. I really wish that I could have a word with Mr. Tennyson to see just exactly what he meant by this statement. I would have a few questions for him. For example, if I never loved and didn't know what it felt like, what would I really miss? This is like telling a child that cotton candy is great, melts in your mouth and leaves a sugary goodness that dances on your taste buds. If that child never experiences the sweet satisfaction of cotton candy, what has the child missed? I would ask Mr. Tennyson, what about those who have loved and lost and never regained or found love again? Is it really great to have had such a feeling that can't be explained only to have it snatched from you, never to be returned again? How do you deal with the agony of the void that is left? Then I would want to know which love he was referring to. Is this in relationship to spousal love, family love, parent/child love, etc? All of which can be quite different but yet equally passionate.

I am wondering if true love really exist in this day and age. Is there a love that is so great and deep that someone is grateful just for the experience even if it doesn't last? (and if it doesn't last can it really be identified as true love) Are marriages today built on this same love? If so, what happened to that love that somehow ended and contributed to the 50% divorce rate? I believe that type of love can be obtained but you have to choose to love. You also have to work hard to keep love, or do you? Did this love die with Tennyson? My inquiring mind needs to know.

Time Waits For No Man

I just had the worst wake up call yesterday. I realized that I am actually getting old. My son and I were watching a movie, Julie and Julia, and there was a scene in the movie that flashed "2002" as the time frame. Well my son looks at me with his doe eyes and says, "Mom is that the way it looked back then in 2002?" This threw me for a moment. "Back then" kept resonating in my head. "Back then?", I started asking myself. I mean for me, "back then" represents the 50's, 60's, maybe even the 70's. "Back then" was a question that I asked my own mother. Surely "back then" has not traveled through time ran ahead of me, turned around and smacked me into reality! Unfortunately, it had. I then thought well maybe he is trying to be funny. He just wanted to throw a little playful jab with his words, but then it dawned on me. My child was born in November 2001. Therefore, he sincerely meant, "back then". Talk about a ton of bricks that jolts you into reality! I could not believe that I am now answering a "back then" question. This lit a fire in me that will not be quenched. We only live once. We have to live life to the fullest. We must accomplish our goals and conquer our fears. Once time is gone, it can never be regained. Life goes on, time moves on, but when ours is up, it's over. Carpe Diem - Seize the day!